Posts Tagged ‘sleep’

dream explosions

November 16, 2010 Leave a comment

Retract your minds from the gutter please. Titles are made to grab your attention and pull readers in to the story about to be told. Read on, I promise its not what you originally thought (filthy people!). So I know the title may sound like Im a teenage boy with sticky sheets, but I assure you this is not the case.

For the past few years I have been sleeping each night and waking with no recollection of dreaming. The only nights I was positive I dreamed were when I was plagued by nightmares. Even then I didnt always remember but Shawna had told me several times that she was awakened by me fighting in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up with the sweats, other times I dont know where I am and it takes a few seconds for me to orient myself. Still other times it literally feels like I have just worked out or gotten in a fight I am so tense. This has been the norm for me and I fight off the demons in my head many nights. I do all this without ever seeking out someone to talk to. Over the past 12 months the nightmares have progressively gotten worse and have escalated when Im being startled awake. It sometimes took minutes for me to calm down and realize where I was. This truly had me alarmed and I was worried that I would do something in my sleep to harm myself or worse Shawna and not even realize it.

Deeply worried that this was spiraling out of my control I finally went to the VA for help a couple weeks ago. Better late than never right? Is four years too long to wait? I would think so, but I just didnt want to have confirmed what I already knew. I canceled my appointment with the VA twice in the months leading up to this post, but after sleeping at Shawna’s for the last time, I knew something had to give. This instance is just a reference to the fact that I have an extremely hard time sleeping in places that I am not familiar with. She had just moved to a new apartment so everything was new to me including her sheets, bed, and even the pillows. I dont expect you to understand, but this had me worried all day though I tried not to show it. Going to bed that night, I knew there was no sleep to be had. I heard her start to breathe heavier and drift off while I starred through the ceiling and wished that I was somewhere else. Not because of her, I always love being near her, but because of the situation I had placed myself in. I figured that her place cant become familiar until I hang around, but I knew what I was in for as I laid there that night. It turned out to be one of the longest nights in recent memory and even when I did finally find minutes of relaxation I forced myself awake for fear that something was going to happen. Crazy? I dont think its that, but I knew something was there and I was tired of it consuming me. Read more…



Another night of tossing makes me feel like I am back in Afghanistan. That was where I got some of the worst and best sleep of my life strangely enough, though the “best” was fueled by VItamin A, Ambien. I really dont want to go that route again, but Im not sure quite what to do. Im thinking about trying to schedule a sleep study to determine what’s going on with my tossing and turning, but I might wait until I get heavier into my body cleansing period. Maybe more working out and eating better will translate into a more efficient sleep. The key word there is efficient. I dont care if I sleep for five hours or ten, I just want them to be productive so I can function better throughout the day. Read more…


What the hell am I doing awake this early in the morning? The horns havent been blasting outside my window, Nick has made a sound, my phone hasnt beeped, rang, or buzzed. I dont get it. This is the 3rd sunrise I have seen in the last week and a half (Sunday Funday 11Apr, Saturday School, and today). Part of me likes this because its a lost part of the day for me. The other half of me then donkey punches my cranium and says, “quit with all this philosophical shit about “lost” time and get back to bed! You’re youth is fading faster than Nick Cannon’s career!” I wish I could heed the other half’s request for more sleep, but I just cant seem to clear my mind and doze back off. Instead I figured I would write it out. Read more…

Categories: My Everyday Life Tags: ,