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creepy interactions

I have been lucky enough to travel around the US and a small part of the world in my last 30 years. During this timeframe I have had many amazing interactions and a few creepy ones that lead to good stories. My creepiest encounter until Saturday night occurred in Tucson while in the military.

A group of my military friends and I went to a local bar in Tucson to have a few drinks. We picked an outside bar to take advantage of the beautiful night’s weather. While outside, we were greeted with the most graphic portrayal of man on man sex I have ever heard. This, as you can imagine, was quite disturbing. With a few choice words I politely asked the frail gay man to my left to quit with his in-depth discussion on consensual butt rape. He told me in a not so polite way to “F off” and continued this too-graphic account. I again asked for some tact in his storytelling only to get another finger. I finally leaned in, put my hand on his shoulder, and told him to shut his mouth or I was going to throw him off the porch.

My friend Jay thought it would be a funny idea to buy us a couple of shots. No not shots for Jay and I, but rather my little gay nemesis (LGN) and I. Jay bought little gay nemesis and I shots and told the bartender to say it was from me. LGN came over to apologize holding two shots that he thought I had purchased. I decided that a truce could be arranged and with everyone watching, he linked up arms like we were getting married and shoving cake in our faces (that’s sounds incredibly nasty in this context). I went with the flow and as I took the shot, I felt a hand grab my man parts. I promptly swallowed the shot, grabbed the hand in question, and grabbed the throat of the hand in question. LGN got slammed on the bar and if not for restraint, he may have ended up spending a couple of days in the hospital.

This was the creepiest interaction I had ever had in my life…until Saturday night.

I picked up Troy and Adam on my way to a bar in HagerVegas for a get together. We arrived a little late but ended up seeing the man of the hour and his lovely wife. We took a seat in the bar and proceeded to tell stories from our pasts and just catch up. One of our group decided to have a couple too many beers and began undressing in the lobby of the bar. I decided to help her with her things so she did not completely feel the need to undress. I highly doubt she would have done it, but she was shedding clothes pretty quickly.

As I handed off her essentials I was greeted by an older gentlemen that asked if I had been to the bar for a party. I said yes and apparently we were instant friends. He knew all my friends, but I didn’t know him. In fact, I had never seen this person before this very second, but he knew an awful lot about my growing up in the Smithsburg school system. After his speech to validate his knowledge of my high school sports career he uttered the following phrase, “I don’t want you to think that I am ‘that’ creepy old dude or anything.” First off, this was the second time in the weekend that I had heard a person tell me they weren’t creepy which I find funny. Second, if you have to preface your conversations with said phrase, there is a good chance that you may indeed be “that creepy old dude.”

I became overly aware of my surroundings and began to feel a tad nervous. Not nervous about the little man trying to give too many extended bro hugs, but nervous that I could floor this dude if he tried to “bring it in for the real thing.” I could see people at my table looking at this interaction and not knowing what was going on. The final straw in this conversation was when he said this. “I’m really proud of you and Ryan for starting a company. I used to follow you on Facebook, but then you turned it on private.” I could hear in his voice that he was genuinely upset that I had turned my Facebook to private. I found this strange because this little man in front of me was the exact reason I had gone off mainstream posts. No, not specifically because of him or creepy men in general, but because I didn’t want people who I didn’t know looking at my life. “Mr. Case and point” was coming in for another drawn out bro hug, but I politely passed on the third bro hug and he asked if we could be Facebook friends. I shook my head yes, but knew this was my only chance to get out of this situation without it ending with me in cuffs.

I rushed back to tell the story to everyone at the table. In the middle of my account rendering, Evan ran back to the table with a story to trump mine. Apparently, little man went into the bathroom after our interaction where Evan had already been using the facilities. Upon flushing the urinal, Evan turns and is greeted with a high-five. Picture Evan shaking the boys, flushing, then being met with a stranger’s high-five. Evan gave a dap and the conversation began. I don’t remember the whole thing, but Evan ended the story like this. Creepy commented about the music that was being played that night and then said, “Oh, and I finally got to meet Matt Colvin tonight!” I can’t make that up and they can vouch. My jaw hit the table, Evan and Troy could not stop laughing and I began to fear for my cornhole. I thought back to the drinks that I had left on the table unattended and what the likelihood of a roofy being placed in one or all of them was. Its not like I felt like I was in danger, just weirded by the interaction. I remained on high alert the rest of the night while everyone else continued their onslaught of jokes about my situation.

Needless to say, this is now the creepiest interaction of my life.

  1. Nicci (Walchshauser) Hejnar
    January 4, 2012 at 22:21

    Oh Cousin!! I read that to my husband, freaking hysterical!! Who was that guy anyway? He should be reported…there should be some sort of Creep list…ya know, like they have that no fly list of people who MIGHT be terrorists. This guy MIGHT be a rapist, do not let him in a bar.

    • January 10, 2012 at 23:54

      Glad you found humor in it because it was nerve-racking for me Cuz. Read “chocolate milk cow” and picture that coming out of Pop’s mouth. Miss that old man. Too funny that you actually read this.

  2. Nicci (Walchshauser) Hejnar
    January 12, 2012 at 12:50

    Well, I know we aren’t very close, but you are family and I care 🙂

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