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I’ve been cheating…


this is my mistress, I'm sorry.

I’ve been cheating…on bacon! I’ve been cheating on bacon with its faux fowl cousin, turkey bacon. It doesn’t even deserve to have the same name as real bacon. It might as well be spelled with a “K” like when crab is fake; krab. Turkey Bakon is how I should spell it from this moment forward so that it knows it’s inferior in the eyes of the world.

Why would I even do this? I truly LOVE real bacon! I haven’t cheated since high school and I swore I wouldn’t do it again, but here I am. I’m so in love with bacon that I have it several times a week in many different forms, but recently on sandwiches or at Diana’s with the “special” after a night of partying. Crispy, waffle house, pork, fatty bacony yum yum. Why would I ever stray!?! BUT I have been noticing that many of the sandwiches I order in NYC have turkey bakon on it, not the real deal. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!? I just came to this realization at this very moment and needed to express my dismay at catching myself cheating. With greasy turkey bakon fingers I type this; first, as a confession of my indiscretions and second, as a resolution that turkey bakon will not cross my lips again unless it is force-fed to me.

From this day forward “my love,” I pledge my undying taste buds to you (well they’ll die when I do, but you have me for another 50 years easy!). Bacon take me back please! I will never falter again. Unless bacon is outlawed and bakon becomes the new standard. I mean, what would you have me do “my love?” Until that horrible day of bacon prohibition, you are the only fatty, meaty slab of griddle fried goodness I desire. In the immortal words of All-4-One:

And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I’ll be there
I swear, like the shadow that’s by your side, I’ll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I’ll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear…bacon

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  1. January 20, 2011 at 10:30

    lol 🙂

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