Home > My Everyday Life > I CANNOT go to jail…

I CANNOT go to jail…


This may seem like one of those no brainer type of statements and since I have made it to 30 without incident one would also assume that I shouldn’t be worrying about being locked up. You may figure I am established in my social life, my morals, and life patterns in general…and I AM, but every time I step into the shower I have flashbacks to the shower scene in American History X with Ed Norton (bee tea dub, this is one of the most amazing films I have ever seen).

This is a completely irrational fear and I realize this, but EvErY SiNgLe TiMe I step into the shower, it sends shivers down my spine. By now you have to be wondering why the shower terrifies me so, and my answer to you can be summed up in three words…I drop soap. I am a habitual soap dropper. This dude just cannot hold onto the bar. I inevitably drop the soap AT LEAST twice a shower. Sometimes I fumble the rock, tap it around in the air a couple times, and then regain control. When this happens I usually smile and think to myself, “maybe I could make it in jail without the daily anal assault that I would normally be destined for because of my prior soap dropping habit.” THEN, with my grin fully stretched from ear to ear, that little bugger squirts from my grasp and time seems to slow. Picture “Inception” in the shower.

It finally hits the floor and the soap laughs as he slides circles around my feet. Sometimes I even catch myself looking behind me in my own personal shower just to be sure that not butt pirates are lurking behind the shampoo bottle or loofa puff searching for my precious man booty. THis seriously happens all the time and this week at Surf Expo, I have been considerably worse. Maybe I need grippy shower gloves. Do they even have those? If not, maybe I just hit another niche market for dudes going to jail looking to protect the can. I am going to make a million dollars this year!

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  1. Laura Duffey
    January 8, 2011 at 23:01

    Love it, you made me laugh out loud. You have a loofah in the mail for you.

  2. Gloria
    January 9, 2011 at 09:40

    Ok soooooo funny but here is a solution. Washcloth and body wash..its a liquid not dropin it except on the wash cloth!! How about that?

    • January 10, 2011 at 00:36

      It would appear this is a solution. But in jail can you use body wash? I should probably keep practicing with the regular soap in case its the only thing you are allowed to use in jail.

  3. January 10, 2011 at 20:21

    damn it some brilliant person said it before me… body wash. and if you get a loofa, it has a string on it that you can put around your wrist!

    I wonder if you can have your own soap in the joint

    • January 10, 2011 at 20:36

      Please refer to comment #3 Carissa. Thanks for coming out.

  4. Michael Hodnicki
    January 10, 2011 at 22:44

    Awesome bro, what made it even better is that I saw this whole thing go down. It was quit amusing!

    • January 10, 2011 at 22:54

      Glad you could be there for it too. What a trip.

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