Home > Back in the Day, Review: Food > pop, where does chocolate milk come from?

pop, where does chocolate milk come from?


Looking back on my childhood, I am finding out that the people who raised me lied to me on many, many occasions. AND for some reason, many of these occasions revolve around bovines, “bos taurus” or “cows” in layman’s terms. If you havent read the other stories from my messed up childhood (whose wasn’t?) then check out “nintendo/nontendo” or this gem entitled “I wanna be a veal cow.

I am not sure why there is a heavy connection to my parental and grandparental units lying to me about cows all the time, but there has to be some explanation. My mom grew up on a farm? My grandmother raised my mom on a farm? My grandmother was raised on a farm? I know you are thinking that I might insert some kind of joke here, but it’s not coming. I live in a smaller town that supports farms, I know people who run farms, and I used to play on farms…but was not raised on one. Maybe it’s because the cow population back when I was growing up rivaled the people population? I don’t think that’s a true statement at all, but I do remember a lot of cows.

When I was a young pup, no clue how young but young, I asked a lot of questions. Now I know that all of those questions lead to answers that involved cows. The correlation between strawberry pies, royalty, and calves for instance. And now the explanation for where chocolate milk comes from, all involved cows.

I don’t think I was one for the hard-hitting questions like “where do babies come from” or “what is the meaning of life?” I just wanted to know about trivial things, food things, fun things. I remember asking my grandfather at one point when we were driving, “Pop (vital info: Loved “ALF”, Purple Heart recipient, dry humored gentle soul), where does chocolate milk come from?” Now thinking back and becoming the intellectual powerhouse that I am, I wish I would’ve given them more of a challenge. By “them” I mean the parentals and family members that helped raise me. They got off easy getting to answer questions like this. I should’ve made them sweat.

I don’t remember Pop answering right away, instead I got just a smirk. This is totally him; calculating and waiting for the right moment to release something witty. As we drove, we came across some cows in a field. In the field were the regular black and white cows that everyone knows, but also brown cows. The answer immediately clicked in his head and another bovine lie was born. I don’t remember the exact wording, but I know it went something like this. Pop says, “Well regular milk for your cereal comes from those black and white cows. Chocolate milk comes from those brown ones.” BAM! A shot rang out and my mind had sufficiently been blown. I can only liken this now to the final scene in Fight Club where Ed Norton shoots himself in the face to kill Brad Pitt. It was exactly like that!

All these years, probably 9-12 years at this time, and I had not known that brown cows made chocolate milk. How stupid could I have been to not see the answer right in front of my face on that second grade field trip when I petted one of those brown cows. The treasure I held in my hands but was too naive to notice. I feel like I was cheated and that the farmer should have told me the significance of my chance encounter with this particular choco cow. I mean, I heart chocolate milk…like, A LOT! I get that from my dad. Now all I could think about was having a chocolate milk farm and having chocolate milk for all my friends anytime they wanted it. Could you imagine how cool I would have been in school and around the block. “Man, I sure wish I had some chocolate milk right now,” the kids would say. I’d nonchalantly chime in, “we could go milk my chocolate milk cow if you want, no big deal (NBD).” Instant popularity.

Years later, I would find out that I had again been lied to about cows. WHY COWS? I don’t know, but someone needs to tell me. Dont think me some kid that had to wear a helmet to school or was totally gullible, I just chose to believe my elders because “they would never steer me wrong.” I also knew that there were other means of making chocolate milk. I had made Nesquik, I had made Ovaltine, I had made it with Hershey’s syrup. I thought these were for those quick fixes when you didn’t have the “real” chocolate milk that already came in the gallon container. Ya know, that gallon container of chocolate milk that came from the farm that raised and milked the choco cows. Boy did I feel dumb trying to dispute this at school over a carton of single-serve chocolate milk. Picture me trying to defend choco cows as being real, just like the tooth fairy or Santa Clause. (Oh sh!t, I hope I didn’t ruin that for anyone. My mom says “if you don’t believe, you don’t receive.” I BELIEVE!)

Once again, another disaster involving my family and lying about cows. Now as an almost 30-year-old adult, if I ask a question and the answer has something to do with cows, one single tear forms and trickles down my cheek because I know that this is yet another lie in the cow conspiracy against me.

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  1. carrie
    December 1, 2010 at 00:25

    HA! Maybe I should untag that photo of the Williamsburg choco cow. Painful memories!

  2. December 3, 2010 at 12:16

    Not painful memories, good ones. Anything I can remember about my grandfather speaking to me is a blessing bc he was so soft spoken so this is definitely a good one. It’s just weird to find out all that you know about cows was a lie. It seems like a conspiracy theory…

  3. Nicci (Walchshauser) Hejnar
    January 12, 2012 at 12:57

    Ha! You were around pop a lot more. Its neat to hear about who he was. I never really knew him. I knew he was in the military, loved alf, and loved really BIG house cats or lynx or whatever that terrifying thing was.

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