Home > Adventures, Reviews > turkey eve-eve sheng feng roadtrip extravaganza: leadup and boarding

turkey eve-eve sheng feng roadtrip extravaganza: leadup and boarding


Turkey Eve-Eve Sheng Feng Roadtrip Extravaganza I said!! I’ll break down the title for you because you probably think that I am crazy sauce. Today is Turkey Eve, so yesterday would have been Turkey Eve-Eve. Sheng Feng was the horrible bus I road on from NYC to Hagerstown. Roadtrip Extravaganza is my try at sarcasm about this whole “amazing” trip home to be with family and friends. I figured it need to be broken into several parts because I wrote for nearly 4 hours straight. It’s just too long for one post.

Here’s how the trip went. I wrote most of this as it was happening so I just let my mind run and let my fingers ramble on. Consider yourself warned, hopefully you will be entertained.

After seeing that other methods of travel were too expensive and my usual buses were booked, I decided to go out on a limb and take one of the Chinatown buses that rolls directly into my hometown. Weird right? My hometown happens to be on a major highway running north and south so I guess it isn’t that weird, plus it has one of the larger outlet malls on the east coast there. But a direct bus has to be too good to believe.

Stretching from my normal means of travel had me worried from the jump but I had to get down to Hagerstown for turkey and I didn’t want to wait until Thanksgiving Eve or the trip would have been exponentially longer. One year while in AZ, I traveled north to Phoenix for the holiday instead of staying in Tucson. The trip is usually 2 hours max, but traveling on Turkey Eve took me 5 hours! AND I even pulled some illegal maneuvers and side routes. If I would’ve sat in traffic for Tucson, the trip may have taken 8 hours.

I have been worried about this Chinatown bus since I looked at the website, but I explored the option anyway because I needed to get home somehow. The website looks like a 6-year-old made it. The buses come equipped with AC and bathrooms, how amazing (sarcasm)!! BUT NO WEB and as I would find out upon entering the bus, they forgot to include leg room in my ticket price. Despite all my bad feelings about this situation I entered my credit card information (Right at this moment a Chinese woman named Matt Colvin is getting her new Maryland license printed up and is afforded freedom hiding under my guise. Good luck Chinese lady named Matt Colvin, I hope we get to meet someday. Hey wait!! We share a birthday! Youre gonna be 30 soon, but you’ll still wont look a day over 4tween.). I really can go on a tangent sometimes, sorry. This is what flows from my brain on a regular basis when it’s not restrained.

I have been so worried all day about the situation I have placed myself in that it actually caused me some heartburn. I’ve been stressing pretty hard and come to find out it was ALL justified. I left work early and hustled down to the Chinatown district on the F and upon popping up to surface level I was transported to the far east. Mind you I am totally cool with this. I like an adventure, I like new things, things I have never done and things that I will never do again. This experience happens to meet all of those criteria. It’s an adventure, its new, I’ve never ridden this bus, and I will 1000 percent, without a doubt in my mind, NEVER RIDE THIS BUS AGAIN. Mind you I’m only an hour into my trip, but even walking up to the bus stop, I knew I had made a poor decision.

Upon finding the address I was looking for, there were people literally laying all over the sidewalk. Note that I said LAYING on the sidewalk. I asked around for the line and once again was shocked when a man looked me up and down, wrinkled his unshaven lip, and snarled at me. Who does that? Are we lions snarling over a filet of yummy raw meat? Last time I checked we were people. We were people riding a bus to Hagerstown MD. Sorry Snarls McSnarl-Lip, I’ll ask another human being for assistance, thanks for nothing lion-jerk! I had to ask 3 more people before I could find out anything about anything. I checked in and received my ticket with a seat number, a first. Little did I know how valuable this gold ticket would become.

I explored the local Bodega next door, but it turned out to be a front store for the Triads instead of actually selling food and drinks. The bags of chips had dust on them, visible dust and there were a handful of drinks in a fridge that hadn’t been cleaned for years. The owner looked at my and cocked his head in wonderment. Interesting. I would like to reiterate that I am adventurous. I have eaten bugs on dares, eaten bugs for shock value, eaten bugs because, I have replaced the 5 second rule with “as long as there isn’t a hair on it I’ll probably eat it” rule, and generally will try absolutely anything twice. I walked out of this store without purchasing anything for fear of what I might have consumed.

Back over at the homeless shelter aka the bus stop I stood alone from my sidewalk lounging peers until the bus arrived. A white bus pulls up, unmarked, and people almost trample each other to get on. They threw their bags under the bus without even asking where it was going for fear that they would not get to their assigned seat. Several people actually got off the bus after finding out they were on the wrong one. How does that happen? Are there more adventurous people than I who just get on buses and arrive in places they never planned on? If so, touche. Meanwhile I was one of the last to get on the bus though I was one of the first to get to hoboville. I laughed it off as people got in arguments trying to cram themselves into the bus. This was pure entertainment. I felt like I was watching a child try to fit a square peg into a circle hole. Under the bus were trash bags filled with clothes, human remains, and bricks of pot. (well maybe not the latter two, but as far as I know, there could be anything under this bus right now.) I was even worried that as soon as I got on the bus, someone was going to take my bag OFF the bus. I’m not paranoid I don’t think, but this whole thing was fishy and not the raw stuff rolled up in seaweed with the fixins type fishy. Like stinky fishy that my shit was getting ganked as soon as I got on the bus bc I had the nicest bag.

Someone was of course in my seat already, though we had assigned seats, so I just sat in another. Well that didn’t work too well because a mom came through and indirectly bitched me out. She was yelling at her kids to have them yell at me to get out of the seat. I giggled again and as she looked up at the ceiling as if she was praying to Jesus for strength she said, “I know he just didn’t laugh at me right?” I found the gentlemen in my seat and said, “it really didn’t matter to me at first but if everyone’s in their assigned seats, I need this one.” He huffed and gathered his stuff like this was the worst request in the world and moved. His little counterpart, a tiny black gay man, huffed as his buddy left then looked me in the face as he rolled his eyes. At this point I didn’t give a shit and told him “this wasn’t my fault so deal. I paid for the ticket and if everyone around us is going to bitch, I’m sitting in my seat so I don’t have to deal with all this bullshit. Sound good?” He quickly changed his attitude and now as the bus starts to move, we may have become friends.

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