Home > My Everyday Life, Stay dreaming > wind in my sails

wind in my sails

I love rollercoasters more than I can explain as evidenced by my riding Kingda Ka this summer. I love/hate/embrace the feeling as you hang over the edge, looking down at the drop and preparing for free fall. This is all well and good when you’re expecting it, when you put yourself in that situation to feel like this, but when it comes at you from some angle you didn’t expect, that feeling of excitement is lost and replaced by something else.

How is it that our highest highs make us feel like nothing can touch us, like there is no way to come off of that ninth cloud, but then it evaporates, suddenly, unexpectedly and we come crashing down, falling to new lows? When you’re on top of the world, there is nothing like a swift kick in the reality nuts for you to check yourself. The wind in my sails. I had this, I had someone who gave me this, but through no fault of my own or hers, it dissipated. No wind, it’s too calm to sail on. The phrase “we’re dead in the water” comes to mind and it makes me wonder how to get things moving again. If I blow hard enough can I fill those sails? Nah Ill just get light-headed and need to sit down.

High highs, lowest of lows. Apparently depression runs in my family, but I choose not to admit that there are shades of it in me. I know this is me once again fearful of the truth. The diagnosis isnt favorable so why admit it until the doc confirms. I definitely need to continue with the VA, though I have avoided returning the phone call for a second straight week. I’m not quite sure why i do this to myself, why I allow myself such massive mood swings and put on fronts for those around me, why I front for myself. Is that even possible? Either way, I do. It only takes a second for this shift, but it takes hours even days to find my way back to level ground. I block a lot of this out, but when it comes time to sleep I can’t avoid it anymore. My mind just runs and runs, which is strange because as soon as I do fall into sleep, it all stops. That is unless the nightmares come. I just don’t get how my mind works and it frustrates me to no end, not being in control. Thoughts screaming through synapses and firing on all cylinders. Thoughts of everyone, everything, nothing, and no one all in the same firing. I feel so good as the sun shines on my day, but at night I feel a million miles from safety and am left alone once again.

No wind to carry on, nothing to fill my sails. This troubles me as I have had one of the best weeks of my life and yesterday could not have been more meaningful to me, but here I am putting these words to the proverbial paper. Here I am down here, shouting up but no one can hear. It’s that empty feeling inside like I havent eaten mixed with my heart trying to break free from my chest. Amazing what a picture can do, amazing how a few words can make you feel. Yet none of these brings back that wind in my sails. So here I drift dead in the water.

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