Home > Food for Thought > what happens late at night…

what happens late at night…

that makes you so vulnerable to your own thoughts? I can go through most of my days now without thoughts of her, but when I lay in bed, sometimes its a totally different story. Like tonight. There was no real reason for it at all. I watched my Phoenix Suns get beat again by those damned Lakers, talked to a couple friends on facebook and was good to go. Out of nowhere it hits me and I just feel sad. No reason whatsoever for this rush of emotion, but out of the blue it comes crashing in like it happened yesterday.

Its been more than a month since our last interaction. No texts, no calls, no emails, nothing. I deleted her and all her friends from facebook so that i didnt have those constant reminders in my face every time I log on. I thought this would all be good enough, but somehow it hasnt been. I found some of her clothes while I was packing my room up today, an Easter card that my mom wanted me to give her along with her favorite candy, and even some bobby pins on my nightstand hiding under my alarm clock. They are all going in a box tomorrow and getting shipped away. No more constant reminders. Even with all these things today, I really didnt flinch. I guess I had so much more on my mind. But here in my bed, alone like every other night for months, it creeps in. That sinking feeling. That weight on your chest kind of feeling. A rush of heat and my heart pumps a little harder kinda feeling. I hate that it still bothers me like it does. I guess the reasoning behind it all kills me too. Maybe its the abrupt ending when all our talk was of the future. I really dont care to debate it here in open forum because its our business, not the world’s. But since I started writing, its helped me to explore my feelings in a much deeper manner. I just need to vent.

My heart hurts in these lonely times,
Isolation seems the norm.
I pull myself away from others, but at the same time I need more.
I need more time, I need more comfort, I need something more to help me through.
I need more friends, I need more family, and many times I need you.
Im lost at times and found in others,
and somehow the pain creeps back in.
Not always in a flash or some all consuming blur
but in subtle ways that pain me even deeper.
I find solace here in writing these words
but my heart still pumps fire.
I just want to forget and move on.
not forget the good times or even the hardest of times we shared,
just forget about the feelings I had and the ones you lost.
I know its not all your fault and I dont blame you for how we ended.
you have it harder than I ever have, I think that’s why I cared so deeply
I wish you strength, I wish you happiness, I wish you love
Know that all of these things are essential to living the one chance we have at this life
For me I hope the same and hope it finds me soon
because living in this quiet dark, slowly and utterly consumes me
Tomorrow the sun rises again and I get a fresh start
to open my eyes, stand up and push these feelings off
Each day that passes separates our lives a little more
I fear youll forget me and all that we had
but at the same time, I hope thats true bc I dont ever want to feel this way again
Empty inside and hard to breathe
I feel the need to scream
it kills me to place these emotions for all to see
but this has been my safe haven and my way to set me free

Maybe a little too “stream of consciousness” type of writing but that’s what came out one time through. No more pity parties. “Boo hoo, Im sad.” I know, we get it Matt. All I want is to get control over my feelings again. I want the old me back, but I mean REALLY back. No more rollercoaster. No more “sad when its cloudy, happy when its sunny” type of shit. I cant help but wear my heart on my sleeve, that’s how its always been. Ive been told to just not think about “it” a lot lately and that hasnt been the most sound advice. Dont think of pink elephants. I got you. You just thought about an elephant painted pink didnt you? there’s no such thing as a pink elephant.

  1. Carl D'Agostino
    May 22, 2010 at 14:01

    You have answered your own pondering. “Tomorrow the sun rises again and I get a fresh start.” But you have to be ever conscious of that and put the new day to every possible advantage including kindness in all things.

    • May 22, 2010 at 21:10

      Thanks Carl. I do need to remind myself of this everyday as I roll out of bed. That kind of mindset will definitely help me make the most of each day.

    • June 4, 2010 at 00:24

      Ive honestly read this comment 20 times since you decided to chime in. Thank you for that. Its helped me to continue on a path to seizing every day. Carpe diem. Cheers!

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