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walk of shame, natural selection at its best

The Greatest Walk Ever Walked

Getting on the Path today, I was privy to witness something amazing. This occurence I would liken to seeing a dodo in the wild. The mythical, the enchanting, “Walk of Shame” (here on referred to as WOS). But not just any WOS, the best one I have ever seen.

For those that don’t know, the WOS is the early morning walk home after being out all night. You can spot Walkers by looking for oversized sunglasses on a cloudy day. These sunglasses are like a mask from the outside world. They hide the shame-filled, bag laidened eyes of someone who might regret the events of the prior night.

Other Walker traits include, but are not limited to, a wrinkled dress stuffed into a “night on the town” purse, lightly smeared makeup, slightly teased out hair reminiscent of the ’80s, or the wearing of oversized male gym apparel

Perpetrators of this act are often called “dirty stay-outs”. I’m sure there are many other synonyms but this will give you something to search on Google this week as your boring cubicle jobs consumes your soul. By the way, the woman behind me on the bus is wearing enough shitty Canal St perfume to kill an elephant. It’s making me tear and I’m feeling a slight tinge in the back of my throat.

Lets get back to it shall we. So I arrived to the Path station and was greeted by Sara who I had not seen in months. We chat on the train as we wait for the doors to close, when I notice her glance change and jaw drop. I turn to see, in all it’s intoxicating glory, the most amazing WOS the modern world has ever known. I say “modern world” bc I assume the cavewoman version of the WOS was far more trecherous than what today’s women deal with. Shame and guilt is far different than an encounter with a T-Rex on the way back to home cave.

I digress once again. These two starlets are still strutting as if they just had their nails and herr did for an evening with a gaggle of celebutauntes. Pretty much they were walking the red carpet of shame!

Description from head to toe: Walker#1
-blowout of a tease job similar to rubbing ones head on a balloon
-couldn’t see her face but I guess sunglasses were present
-giant mens white T
-navy blue tearaway pants with a red stripe down the side, possibly Adidas
-matching red strappy heels

Now for the Crown Jewel of Walkers, the Queen, her majesty…Walker#2
-tall and beautiful
-Hair tied back with a rubber band found at randoms apartment
-sunglasses helping to pull back the tangled rats nest above
-faded lipstick covered in lip gloss
-studded shaw/sweater and fancy, sheer, green low cut top
-shoulder slung purse with her crumpled skirt inside
-University of Kentucky mens basketball shorts (elec blue and white) found in random dudes hamper
-matching electric blue 4″heels with red soles, manolos? (edit from krisTEN: louboutins)

The entire train watched like witnesses to a car crash as they worked it down the Path station “runway”. Strut, strut, strut. Pause and turn, pouty lips and scene! That’s what it felt like. Giggles and snickering ensued and almost immediately, conversation of personal WOS debaucles flew throughout the cars.

This is the epitome of the WOS and I am pleased to say, this day is going to be stellar. What better way to start off my grandmothers bday than by planning a surprise trip home AND seeing the greatest Walk ever walked.

I thank you strangers of lower moral inhibitions for the joy you gave to not only me, but 100s of others as we start our Sunday (Gods day) knowing we are that much closer to heaven than you.

Cheers ladies, get home safe.

  1. Dickey
    April 8, 2010 at 12:34

    I went for a run last Sunday morning around 7am, and coming back, saw each and every one of these examples of WOS’s. I also saw, the beloved MALE WOS’s, which usually, are still drunk, shoes untied, button down thrown over shoulder, white t shirt thoroughly stretched out, with a hint of sweat to it, belt very loose (like their women) as well as sleep marks on the sides of their faces. Needless to say, I love running on Sundays.

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